All hail Ver Kids! Britannia rules the rave! Get ten rounds in and treat yourself to another rock because you, yes you, are the most blitz bastard mental Young People in Europe! OK, so you’re all pregnant by the age of ten, alcoholic by 12 and dead from smack before you can legally sip a shandy but bugger that for a laugh! Pass the hypodermic and make mine a ketamine and Red Bull!
And as night follows day, the new teenage pop sensation, as the spokesguzzlers for the New Arseholed Movement, must have livers of steel, stomachs like raisins and pupils like the spaceships in Independence Day. Er, musn’t they?
“What am I in it for?” asks Alex White, 19. “Money, girls, fame, blow jobs, stuff like that”
“Trucks full of ketamine” his 16-year old brother Tom adds.
“No, not really” Alex laughs. “I’m in it for trucks full of penny sweets, that’s what I want”
Where we expect to find the croaky Voice Of Nu-Mental, there is instead a more accurate vision of this nation’s wasted youth. Alex and Tom are The Soft Parade, Brighton’s newest mutant radiation pop tykes who have made the most flabbergasting debut single since, well, The Strokes actually. It’s called Silent To The Dark and it starts off like Teenage Fanclub going stadium before mutating into a shimmery psycho-psychedelic finale. Which places them at the very epicentre of all that is cool and fly and sorted and aiiii in the world of teen nutterdom. The Soft Parade are actually the archetypal level-headed 21st century teenagers.
They drink fairly heavily but over-indulgence isn’t really their game. They know the benefits and dangers of the demon intoxicating Substance, know their limits and are politically aware enough to recognise Ann Widdecombe for the runtpig of Satan she is. “That virgin b****” Alex sneers. “I know loads of people who do pills or coke or smoke dope and they’re fine. But I know plenty of people whose lives have been wrecked because their dad’s an alcoholic who beats the shit out of them. How many people have died from doing pills? Hardly any in comparison”
So drug use is pretty common in your circle of friends?
“Pretty much everyone I hang out with does drugs” he admits. “If I said to my mum, “I do drugs” she’d go spare. But if I just explained that I smoke a bit of puff now and again and I’m well adjusted, I’m not dead, then hopefully she’d understand”
“To me, “doing drugs” is getting out of your skull on pills and coke” says Tom, “it’s not having a couple of pints and a spliff”
“My favourite philosophies belong to bands like Terris or Queens Of The Stone Age”, says Alex. “If you look at Queens versus Coldplay and their attitudes to the rock ‘n’ roll ethic, Chris Martin goes: “I’m a safe tea and Lemsip sort of boy” and Queens are going “See a drink, drink it, see a cigarette, smoke it, feel bad in the morning, f*** it”. That’s great. They’re having a laugh, but it’s serious. I’m disillusioned by Coldplay”
This generation needs a theme tune, like the 60’s had My Generation. So what would you call it? You’re My Besht Fuggin Mate? Congratulations Britney, It’s A Girl?
Alex thinks for a second. “I’d probably write a song called Everything’s Great!”